Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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