cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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