I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize