I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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