3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
