I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
