i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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