omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize