Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
