I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
how drunk are you?
Several
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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