Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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