you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
