I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I could make wine with my vomit
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize