Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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