When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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