when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
