I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just blew my weed a kiss
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
