I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
