she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
