my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
