I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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