Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
