Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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