I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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