I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
