Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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