Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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