I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
