he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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