So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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