if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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