yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
