hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize