I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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