I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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