Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Someone signed my nipple.
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