just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
