a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
