I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize