Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
