hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
