dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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