pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Success! We fucked roommates!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
