I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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