Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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