You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
