there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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