On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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