My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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