I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize