I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
