I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
did i just pee glitter
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