U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
