i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
