all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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