unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
