All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
